And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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