dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
