just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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