I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
