Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
