We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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