I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
