I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I have post one night stand depression
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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