he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
