my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
