Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
