New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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