So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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