I want to walk on stilts...naked
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize