I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
