I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
