I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
