He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
