This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
