I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
