I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
im having a threesome with these popsicles
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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