We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
