i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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