I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
