The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
