I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
