i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
