Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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