Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
