im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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