Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
