oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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