Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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