Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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