I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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