there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
