My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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