Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
