pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
