Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
