If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She said her name was "party"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
