There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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