allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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