I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
