marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
