Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce