Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
