i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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