How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
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You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
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Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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