I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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