Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
