if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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