It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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