Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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