So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't deserve a penis
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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