I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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