You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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