You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
