how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
